2 X Wingman Wipes
Sun Cream and Sun Block combo
2 X ‘Spikey’ anti-drink spike device with straws
3 X Mates Condoms
All in a waterproof bag.
Festivals, eh? Don’t you love them! Having to put up with the experience of quickly turning near Neanderthal in appearance and hygiene and then ending up red as a lobster after too long in the sun, all so you can watch a few specks on a stage half a mile away play some ancient greatest hits from before you were born. Isn’t it brilliant?!
If we sound cynical, it’s because we are. We remember the days you could arrive at Glastonbury with little more than a fiver and a bucket full of hope before you jumped in over the fence. But we’re not the kind of cynics who just grumble away without trying to do something about it. We can’t do much about the terrible old dinosaurs that tend to get booked for festivals instead of up-and-coming interesting music, but we’ve put this pack together with the intention of it being all you need to stay relatively comfortable and clean over a festival weekend. And we’ve made sure you don’t need access to water to make it happen.
First, your shower substitute. That’s the Wingman Wipes and dry shampoo. Wingman Wipes aren’t just for wiping your hands off like the hot lemon towel you get after a curry. They come as close to a shower in a bag as you’re going to get. Use one all over in the morning and you’ll feel much better. Likewise with the dry shampoo. Spray it through your hair, leave it a bit, then comb out with the comb we’ve also thoughtfully provided. You won’t quite feel like you’ve just stepped out of a salon, but it will go a long way to making sure your hair doesn’t just turn into a greasy mess of ratstails over a festie weekend.
Toothbrush and toothpaste – there you go. You know what to do with those.
The hand gel is for before and after eating – and here’s a handy tip, if you have some delicious greasy chips from a hot food van, but feel quite oily afterwards, you don’t have to break out a Wingman wipe, just use a liberal dollop of hand gel and (remembering to keep away from your eyes, nose and mouth) clean yourself up with this and then finish off with a single tissue (tissues also provided – see what we’ve done here!).
The sun cream we’ve included has a handy little higher strength sun block in the lid, which is for your lips and nose. You’re at a festival here, not sunbathing at the beach, so we’ve not gone for the highest SPF stuff available and recommend covering up when you’re in the sun, and reapplying the cream on exposed areas regularly if it is very sunny. If the weather is bad, well, there’s the rain poncho as well.
We’ve also included a couple of ‘Spikey’ anti drinks-spiking devices. The drinks that seem to be most commonly spiked are bottled beers and breezer types, and these are designed to fit snuggly into the top of one of these bottles, with a straw through them, to ensure that nothing else can get in. Of course, take all sensible precautions anyway, but if you’re drinking from bottles in a public area, it can’t hurt to use one of these.
There’s also some Alka-Seltzer if you’ve overdone it a bit, some plasters which might be useful if you’ve got blisters from dancing like a loon and a glowstick, either for helping you find things in the dark, or waving about in a dance tent. Oh, and some condoms, don’t laugh you at the back … you know it’s important to use them. Although judging by your sniggering – you won’t need them!
And it all comes in a handy bag that’ll keep it all safe and secure until you need it, which won’t take up much room. So there you go – there are some other bits in there too but we’re tired now and need to go and get our pipes and carpet slippers, there’s a lovely Radio 2 documentary on about the good old days …